you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
