My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
