You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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