"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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