i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
