Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
