She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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