the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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