drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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