whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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