Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
