If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
