My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
