moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
