I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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