drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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