I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
