sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
