Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She made me pour olive oil on her.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
