I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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