I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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