I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize