the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
