oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I cut my penus on the lid.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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