Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
