My first STD was from a foam party
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my shit smells like andre
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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