Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
