end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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