im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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