just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
