end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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