If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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