did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
