his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
