I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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