So drunk its hurt
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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