Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
