Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
