Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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