anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it penis luge time yet?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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