you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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