i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
