Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
