M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
