Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
