i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
