Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
