PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
