perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
