first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
