Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
