i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
