My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
