I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
