just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
