i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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