Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
