i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
